the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
