You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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