You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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