ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
