You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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