everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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