just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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