he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
