well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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