you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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