did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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