I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
