I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
