i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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