And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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