Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
