idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
