I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
