When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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