I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
