you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
