I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
