Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
