I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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