she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize