Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
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