Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Boobs are out for the taking
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
