69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize