i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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