ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My ass is underappreciated
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
