take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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