Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
