I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize