i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
