I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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