Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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