Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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