1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
