Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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