she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
