Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I have grass duct taped all over my body
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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