come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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