Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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