i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
