i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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