Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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