everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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