are you so shy because you have an std?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
