Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
