I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
