The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
