I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
