Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
