Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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