But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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