Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
