I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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