I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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