he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
