Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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