she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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